"Race is a central test of our belief that we're our brother's keeper, our sister's keeper...There's a sense that if we are to get beyond our racial divides, that it should be neat and pretty, whereas part of my argument was that it's going to be hard and messy--and that's where faith comes in"
---Barack Obama Newsweek Jul. 21

I got used to be alone

from the day when I entered in the elementary school, my mother was working outside
I used to go back home with a key
my elder brother and sister were usually not in the home
hanging around somewhere...with their friends or still in the class
my mom used to come back home at around six thirty.

I used to spend my time in the traditional Japanese closet
where the mattress (futon) was stowed
staring wave line of the wood panel
an hour, two hours, or three hours sometimes

(which means I least like the recent version of Dorae-mon
it seems to me a kind of byproduct of Educational Affairs Group
I don't like educational system as a whole...
who on earth likes it then...??) (Anyway)

my father came back or used to visit home only on Saturdays to spend one night
the table would become oppressively silent when he was home
nobody spoke during supper, even words like "pleas pass that on to me"sounded as if a significant statement has just made. that was
every Saturday

I understand what was going on around me
my father was living in another place with another woman
I knew that even at that time that he's not living with our family
what else

My father is probably a kind of psychiatrist who's half dis-ease himself
...on his recuperation hopefully...
rumor has it he has a son, twenty years old or so
the source is my brother...
it is not unfeasible my cousin is now in the same university...though I don't care about

My identified cousin found a way to a psychiatric ward from out of the blue
that was last month
me...?
don't wanna know about the detail.

I'm not in a bad shape with my father today
we meet twice a year or so and talk something with each other
I like him.
but just that.

I didn't make a single friend during elementary school years
while I was in the third grade in the school I began making friends at last
but meantime my parents got divorced in the end
of four years of hopeless battle (maybe my mom had to talk something with him about Money
but it was long) (strangely, though, I think I am the one who appreciate their sanguinary waste in some way)
and we moved on to another district

the outlook seems bleak
but like flowers or vegetables or weeds or something like that we can manage ourselves
because we are preprogrammed to do so.

If I failed, these cold facts
would stand before me again

I worked a little bit
fifteen pieces of part-times (circa)
the longest, a year and half
shortest, you can imagine

mostly I read books
two sets of World Literature
whole through, from the Homer to Somebody I cannot remember
and Kant and Showpenhoawar (cannot spell)
and what the hell, Holy Bible for just for the sake of argument.
in Japanese

So...what you've learned?
"honor is for women and virtue is for men."
"and if you want to be stupid, you just need to address a woman about virtue."
's Kant.
"she cannot select herself...but she just can be selected."
what else. that's wholesale true.

Therefore, he had to say;
"Men who deserve to be hanged considerably outnumber women who deserve to be exiled to an island."
in seventeen seventy something.

All things considered, though, what I've learned is what I had had already known
I just found out things I already knew.
So, what for? Why do you read?
Can those Read books be like savings for bank account?

"and darkness was upon the face of the deep"

I like Melville ("Piear"..."Pierl", or..."Pierr"is his best work.)
and Dickinson (at least I can spell).
and Thomas Mann was my Mann of course
Some might have to be kind enough to tell me that my liking is non of anyone's bloody business
uh...what else...

I loved a woman
150 cm (I am not used to foot and inch) tall.
round faced (round faced Mignon. I miss her from time to time)
and what's more... she loved me...
what else

I don't know what happened to her for
we lived in an apartment for
maybe five years

ended
this is me.

Consequently,
I'm off to save my life

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